How you feed your child differs from one developmental stage to the next. Initially you feed from the breast or from a bottle, holding your infant close to you. Their task is to suck, swallow and breathe whilst you support their body in your arms. Once they start solids, they are ready to sit supported in a high chair. They learn to recognise the spoon and open their mouth appropriately. Once they are ready to share family meals, they will be sitting at the ‘big’ table either in a high chair or on a booster seat.
Once they reach toddlerhood, things change. They no longer eat everything you offer them! Developmentally, they have gone from being totally dependent on you for all their needs to starting to become a separate human being and wanting more control and independence in their life. That is, when it suits them. They might still want to be fed when they are capable of feeding themselves or want to eat ‘baby’ food at the age of three. On the other hand, they may not want you to put the food on their plate, preferring to take control of what goes on their plate and into their mouth. So here’s your chance to reduce the stress at mealtimes.
Serving food ‘family style’ – putting the food in the middle of the table – and letting each person choose what to put on their own plate, gives children the control to decide what to eat from what you have offered. As a client once said, serving every meal ‘taco style’.
Make sure there is one food on the table that you know your child will eat if they are hungry. This could be bread, pasta, rice or potato. For example, if you know she doesn’t like rice and it’s on the menu, then put out some bread as well. This way, you avoid the plate being immediately pushed away, food rejected and taken (or thrown) off the plate. You are honouring your child’s developmental stage of separation and individuation. It will take another 15 to 20 years for complete control, but we need to start with small steps that are age-appropriate and make family meals pleasant.
Want to learn more about the Ellyn Satter approach to feeding? Check out the ABC of Child Feeding Webinars here:
https://esiinstitute.wpengine.com/shop/shop/prevent-resolve-child-eeding-problems-abcs-child-feeding.html
I have a child that is very picky. He’s 11. When I do family meals I will often put bread out (something he loves) for him. But the problem is when he comes to the table hungry and sees the bread as his only option he complains and says “that’s all there is for me to eat? He doesn’t want to get full on just bread. I have also done fruit at the same time, but I get the same response. I don’t think he sees that as a meal for him. He’d rather be eating a bagel and cream cheese, or a peanut butter sandwich and chips or nuggets and fries.
How do I handle this?
How do you handle dessert in this scenario? I don’t want dessert to be dependent on the dinner. But if it is available some nights, how do you say “yes, there are cookies after dinner” without setting requirements or having them wanting only cookies or begging the whole meal etc. Thanks!
Unfortunately, I was a “plater” and a “finish your veggies before seconds” type mom for many years. I have shifted to family style meals this past year. I have been having some challenges, though. My eldest daughter rarely eats any fruits and veggies now, but wants 4-5 servings of the main dish. Even if I make a lot extra, so as not to run out, she will just divide that by the 4 people in our family and tell everyone how much we can each have. And, if her 5 year old sister doesn’t eat that much she will ask for her sister’s “portion.” She often eats past point of being full and says her tummy hurts, but doesn’t modify her behavior the next time to stop eating when hunger is satisfied (as her 5 year old sister seems to do). She is at or above the 98% for height and weight, with weight being slightly higher. I try to include a lot of fats with meals and we do eat sweets and have always had regular meal and snack times, but she still expresses always feeling hunger. She does enjoy food and eating, which is good, but I think that also drives her desire to eat when not hungry. However, certain foods are more expensive, like meats and fish, so I would like to plan on just 2 or 3 servings for her at most but I don’t want to make her feel restricted. Is it OK to limit her number servings of the main dish to 2 or 3 servings if there are other items on the table she will eat? She does like and/or will eat most foods; she just likes the main dishes and any sweets better. Thanks!
I love this respectful philosophy and am so glad to refer my families at Kindergym in Oakland to your work, Ellyn!!
Hi Dawn
Thanks for your positive comment. Glad to hear that you find the Ellyn Satter approach helpful and respectful.
Wonderful approach but it is difficult to trust when my child has had recurring anemia due to poor eating habits. What would you recommend to look into?
Hi Maria
Thanks for contacting us.
Could you please ask your question via ‘Send Message’ on the Ellyn Satter Institute’s Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/ellynsatterassociates/. Ellyn will see it there.
Cool I like your blog you have very nice tip on how to make food for babies at home.