Some parents feel that their child(ren) stay at the table forever! Parents say they are following the Division of Responsibility™ and worry that setting a time limit will be restricting or somehow interfering with their child doing his jobs with eating. There are variations on this theme: When parents say, “that’s it for now,” their dawdling toddler or preschooler takes a renewed interest in eating. School-age kids linger an hour at dinner and want to talk. Eight-year-olds take an hour to eat and squirm a lot.
What’s really happening?
To troubleshoot your particular situation, ask yourself:
- Do you have an agenda for your child’s eating? That is, do you keep him at meals until s/he finishes a certain food or a certain amount of food?
- Is this the only time s/he is getting your undivided, one-on-one attention during the day?
- Are you saying things like, “hurry up,” “stop talking,” “finish your ___________?”
- Are there too many “fun” distractions at the mealtime (e.g., toys, TV, phones)?
- Are you routinely skipping the bedtime snack?
Here’s what you can do
Depending on your troubleshooting responses, here are some suggestions:
– Stow your agenda for what and how much your child will eat. Her slow eating may be her way of putting off eating food she doesn’t want.
– Provide a bedtime snack, even if it is just an hour after dinner. As Ellyn says, serve something “filling but not thrilling” (peanut butter crackers and milk, string cheese and fruit). If the slow eating changes, your child was concerned about having to go hungry through the night.
– Build in one-on-one time for a couple of weeks. If the slow eating changes, the problem was that your child was using eating for attention seeking.
– With older kids, as much as you can, relax and enjoy their sociability. But an hour is really enough!
– Verbally set a time limit “We have 30 minutes–45 minutes–an hour–for dinner.” Reassure children that snack time is coming soon. .
– Give everyone a 5 minute heads-up for the end of meal, then as a family put food away and tidy up. Remind children that it won’t be long before snack time.
Just what is too long? It can take me up to 45 minutes to eat my dinner and im an adult..this has been for a long time…as long as a child isnt playing with their food…leave them be…
Hi Lynn
I would agree that if your child is eating and not playing with their food or in any other disrupting your meal, then it is fine for them to stay at the table with you.
Hmmmm… interesting! My 2 year old son stays at the table for ages and barely eats sometimes but we get lots of one on one connection time throughout the day, we don’t do distractions, etc. The only thing from your post that we don’t do is bed time snack… I was worried that this would be supplementing and he wouldn’t eat dinner knowing that was coming up.
Hi Carly
For some children, it is quite a while between dinner and bedtime, so a bedtime snack is appropriate, just like the other planned, sit-down snacks during the day. If you child is eating dinner and going to bed within a short time, then there is probably no need.
Hi, I’ve been wondering if it’s OK to set a time limit or not. If we are eating a favorite meal of my sons, like pasta or pizza, he will continuously ask for more (by using the “more” sign— he’s 18 months). This can go on for… forever?? But if it’s a non-preferred meal like baked chicken, he wants out of his high chair after a few bites. (And I allow that). With pizza or pasta, he can literally eat two adult portions and the only way I’ve gotten him to stop is by ending the meal after 30 minutes. Is that OK? It is striking how much more food he eats when it’s food he loves!
Hi Addison
I suggest you send your question to our Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/ellynsatterassociates/. You will be answered by one of our faculty. Use the Send Message tab.
All the best
What do you suggest when the child eats minimally at dinner and wants to eat a large quantity, over a long time at bedtime snack?
He doesn’t get a snack close to dinnertime, as a rule.
My 7 year old soon to be 8 year old takes a long time to eat. He says his stomach hurts when he eats to fast. His stepdad calls him out every meal and compares him to himself and his siblings. He tells my son he will never grow if he “plays games” eating. His stepdad accuses him of holding food in his cheek and not chewing hard enough. He accuses him during meal time of purposefully trying to trick people into letting him stop eating. We don’t offer a choice of meals and stay on an okay schedule. His stepdad says food is fuel not a time to talk. I don’t know what I can do to help the situation. My son is miserable.
Hi Jess
Could you please ask your question via ‘Send Message’ on the Ellyn Satter Institute’s Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/ellynsatterassociates/. Ellyn will see it there.
Thanks for your comment.
Hi Sandi
Could you please ask your question via ‘Send Message’ on the Ellyn Satter Institute’s Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/ellynsatterassociates/. Ellyn will see it there.
Thanks for your comment.
All children are different and a parent should do what they feel necessary for the well being of their child. I time my child, no shame here, he plays around way too much if I don’t, the rest goes into the trash if he doesn’t finish… If you’re wondering if it works, of course it does. I also give incentives for dinner, if he finishes it all within the time limit, he gets a treat. At one point, my child pretended he was cold during dinners and only ate a couple of bites, I fed him and made it incredibly not fun, he never wants me to feed him again and is never cold now unless it is actually cold.
My 5 year old messes around horribly at meal time. It has honestly taken all of the joy out of meal time and is causing problems in our household at this point. We are a very new family as I just adopted my 5 & 8 year old nieces. My boyfriend and I are at our wit’s ends. She plays and talks, waving her hands in the air, touching my plate, tries to lay down on the table, etc. If you give her bread (her favorite) she will eat it slower than what you would think would be humanely possible and then refuse to eat anything else. So now she doesn’t get bread until she has eaten her other food. We have a time limit now or try to, my boyfriend is not a fan and worries she is going to be hungry. I hand fed her last night in hopes of getting her to want to be the big girl, not the baby. Nope, she loved it, although not so much when she realized that I was in control of the caramel on her apple slices. Any suggestions would be amazing. I don’t know what to do at this point.
Hi Nikki
Could you please ask your question via ‘Send Message’ on the Ellyn Satter Institute’s Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/ellynsatterassociates/. Ellyn will see it there.
Thanks for contacting us.
My son takes SO long to eat (1.5 hours to eat a bowl of oatmeal or a sandwich). He gets daily undivided one on one time. He will stay at the table fine but without reminders his food stays on his plate and if he does takes bites it just sits in his cheek and when he does chew he literally will chew each bite for 3-5 minutes before swallowing. He always has had a bedtime snack and snacks between meals. He always eats a lot but it takes so long we are going crazy. When I have tried just leaving him to do it without me there reminding him to keep eating he literally sat there for 2 hours just singing and talking rather than eating. It seems like he just has no concept of connecting that you pick up food, then chew, then swallow then get another bite. He isn’t picky and helps choose meals.
Help!!!
Thank you for your post. The situation sounds a little more in-depth for a quick reply. Please consider reaching out to our ESI coaches for guidance and assistance. You may find more information on the program here: https://esiinstitute.wpengine.com/resources-and-links-for-the-public/coaching/
I’m desperate here. I’ve trIed reducing the amount of food thinking that maybe I was giving her too much food, or that maybe she was overwhelmed by the quantity on her plate, but no luck. I also only give her things that she likes (balancing nutrition of course). I have offered incentives, treats, toys, extra playtime…??♀️ AND IT’S JUST GETTING WORSE AND WORSE!!! I know she doesn’t do this at school, so after losing my patience at her the other day because we were late again to school because she took 1.5 hours to eat a pancake and 1 strawberry, and screaming (for which I apologized after), I promised her I would not push her to eat (by reminding her to keep eating and to hurry up) anymore. It’s day 2, and it’s almost like she’s testing me even more…I set a timer, like they do at school, and if she doesn’t finish by that time, then the plate is taken away. She did it this morning and threw a big tantrum and wouldn’t eat, so I took the plate away. She was pissed…she kept screaming that she was hungry…but she just sat there for 40mins and barely touched her french toast with marshmallows and chocolate chips (which she asked me to make for her and for which we drove to the store for yesterday). Like seriously, I’m going out of my way here to give her stuff that she likes to encourage her, but all I get is screaming? It’s a power struggle and I’m tired of it. I just want her to eat, and go play and have fun not sit at the table for 3 hours. I feel like I’m failing her because I don’t know what to do anymore.
Hi Viv, The two of you have quite a struggle going, and we can certainly understand your frustration. Your daughter is contributing to the struggle, but since you are the mom, it is up to you to defuse it. Review the six points in the blog. Be particularly careful to follow the division of responsibility in feeding. Have a “we are going to change this” conversation with your daughter. Agree on a mealtime duration and be prepared to end the meal when the time is up. Avoid pressure in all ways. Stow your agenda about what and how much your daughter “should” eat. Stop short-order cooking for her. Provide the same meal for your daughter as you provide for the rest of the family. For further discussion on this topic, you can post a message (private or otherwise) on https://www.facebook.com/ellynsatterassociates/
When it’s time to eat breakfast or dinner my 4 year old son does anything but eat. He will say he has to pee stand at the sink and wash his hands for 5 min if I let him. He talks non stop to his brother plays with his food and it can take him up to 2 hours to eat his dinner. We don’t give him distractions. It can be a nightmare every meal. Then the second he’s done he says he’s hungry and wants a snack. I know he’s looking for attention. We all eat and leave the table when we’re done. We have tired giving him a time limit and he cry’s. If we try and talk to.him he cry’s. We know he’s hungry but he just won’t focus on eating. It’s.kike a big game every day.
It sounds like you have a lot going on here. While it would be easy for us to make a comment in a reply, we do not have all the details of your situation and this would be best handled by one of our ESI coaches. Our coaching process allows you to work with a faculty specialist to work through the issues involved. If you are interested in working with an ESI coach, please email us at [email protected].
Hello – my 6 yr old takes FOREVER to eat. We give him and his two year old sister the same amount of food and his sister will be completely done eating all of it 45 minute faster than him! He’s not distracted by toys or TV. I don’t get it. He seems to chew his food for an extremely long time before he swallows, therefore there are several minutes in between each bite. We’ve tried timers and all that but most of the time it doesn’t work. I don’t know what to do and it’s driving me insane. Help!
With not having all the details of your situation, I believe this would be best handled by one of our ESI coaches. Our coaching process allows you to work a faculty specialist. If interested in working with an ESI coach, please email us at [email protected].
So I know I have created a bad habit, but I read stories to my daughter while she is eating. She will eat, that is not the problem, but sometimes she gets engrossed in the book that she forgets to chew or that there is food in front of her. Do you have suggestions for how I can wean her off of story time at mealtimes? I am also still sometimes feeding her (she is 2.5) just to get food in her, should I just let her eat what she feeds herself?
Hello – my 4-year-old son takes FOREVER to eat. He is not distracted by toys or TV. He seems to chew his food for an extremely long time before he swallows, and several minutes in between each bite. We have tried all, but most of the time it does not work. I do not know what to do and it is driving me insane. Help!
Thank you very much for your question. Your situation sounds like it needs a more in-depth assessment. This is not something we can provide on this platform. You may benefit from coaching with an ESI faculty member. Please see here for more information: https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/resources-and-links-for-the-public/coaching/
or contact a local dietitian with expertise in the Satter Models. Thank you.
Chris, it appears you have two things going on at mealtime that may be contributing to this process. First, children need distraction-free mealtime so that they can focus on the task of eating. Reading a story during the meal does not allow her to achieve this focus. It would be better used as a transition to mealtime or after the meal has ended. Simply tell her that you are changing the routine. She may have a tantrum initially but this is normal and it will pass once your routine is in place. The second concern is that you are feeding her is crossing the line of division of responsibility. It can be scary when a child doesn’t eat and a parent fears they aren’t getting enough. This feeding is pressure and does not allow her to develop with her job of determining how much and whether to eat. Trust that she will regulate once you have removed the distractions at the table. This process may take a little bit of time for her to adjust.
Ok, so my 5 year old has always eaten so slowly that her preschool has had to make special accommodations because she was losing too much weight if she wasn’t given a full 2 hours to eat a meal, and nothing they, the pediatrician, the nutritionist, or the therapist tried has worked in the slightest. I’ve never seen her finish in under 90 minutes no matter how hungry she is. She does not get distracted or play at the table. She just takes the tiniest little bites and will chew one bite for 20 minutes like she can’t get anything more than a crumb of food down at a time. It’s tedious but no medical reason has been found. Any ideas?
Hi Jessica, This is more of a question for our Facebook group. Would you please ask your question here? https://www.facebook.com/ellynsatterassociates/.
You may also benefit from coaching with an ESI faculty member. Please see here for more information: https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/resources-and-links-for-the-public/coaching/ Thanks for contacting us.
Hi, My 3.5 years old son is quite same as some of the kids described above. He takes atleast 1.5 hrs to eat every single meal even a small cheese sandwich or a pancake. He just puts the piece in his mouth and then gets lost in his own world. During each meal he goes to the loo (spending 20mins in the process), and during or after each meal he passes stool which obviously means he is not gaining any weight for last 1 year (not even 500gms). We did a thorough checkup of his, and everything seems normal. But nothing changes, his regular stool, his extremely slow and annoying eating habits and height and weight growth everything is very annoying and disbeartening and upsetting.
Hi Eram,
This sounds like a pretty involved situation. I would suggest seeking out an ESI faculty member for some personalized coaching. Please see here for more information: https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/resources-and-links-for-the-public/coaching/
Thank you for contacting Ellyn Satter Institute.
Hi, my child is 5 and takes over an hour to eat. No matter how much encouragement he will only take tiny bites. We make him separate dishes which he likes and we all sit at the table to eat. In your opinion, What would be the best method to try and speed his eating up?
Hi David,
Please send your question to our Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/ellynsatterassociates/. You will be answered by one of our faculty. Use the Send Message tab.
I sent an email as well, but my 8 year old takes 1-2 hours to eat UNLESS it’s something junk food. We have removed all distractions as well as ALL snacks because she will go for days without eating a meal if she can snack. We need major help, nothing has worked. We set a timer for 30 minutes for 1 cup of food and serve another portion of the same meal if she doesn’t finish. She is going on the 7th meal of the same thing and we are exhausted.
Hi Heather,
Thank you for your comment. I did receive the email and have forwarded to one of our faculty members to respond personally to you.
Hi, I am also sailing in the same boat. My 3 years old son takes forever to eat even if it’s his favourite food. He just keeps his bite in his mouth and doesn’t chew at all. 1.5-2 hours is like very normal for him for each meal. I don’t even give him snacks between the meals so that he can eat main meals properly. He can take 1.5 hours just to have normal peanut butter toast. He is a picky eater but he is like that even if I cook his favourite food which is very limited. I am a working mom and I hardly gets time at home after the office and it all goes in his dinner time as he takes around 2 hours. My weekends are more terrible as he takes around 1.5-2 hours in every meal. I am super frustrated now and started scolding him for this everyday.
Hi, I would suggest seeking out an ESI faculty member for some personalized coaching. Please see here for more information: https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/resources-and-links-for-the-public/coaching/
Thank you for contacting Ellyn Satter Institute.
My son is 3, No TV, No Playing, We have to sit in complete silence.
He will eat 1 grain of rice at a time, 1 corn flake, He will eat 1 millimeter biting off with his teeth. He will stop if he hears the slightest noise.
I think 30 minutes is sufficient to eating a cup of food. My pediatrician said never feed a baby longer than 30 its a waste of time they are burning calories too quickly, Is this the same for Toddlers. In the morning people have to go to work and I refuse to get up at 4 am and wait 2 hours for him to finish.
Do I just take his food and let him be hungry? He doesnt respond to positive reinforcement, He only Understands and adheres to Negative ones. We are working with a therapist. He is absolutely not hungry at night. I have him 4 peanut butter crackers and it took him 2 hours and 45 minutes to finish those. So that doesn’t work either.
Hi Krista, this issue is complex. I would suggest seeking out an ESI faculty member for personalized coaching. You may contact them here: https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/resources-and-links-for-the-public/coaching/
Thank you for contacting Ellyn Satter Institute.
Well I’m sitting here reading these comments while waiting on my 11 year old to finish his meal. We’re at the 4 hour mark and not done yet. He had 1/3 of the portion that everyone else had, and we’ve all been long gone from the table, but it’s hard to enjoy family time while reminding him to take bites, chew, and swallow. He takes toddler size bites and takes a good 5-10 minutes to chew before he swallows. He had acid reflux, gagging, and texture issues when he was younger so I avoid serving him certain textures but it’s amazing how he can down his favorite meals such as chicken nuggets and pizza in no time. It’s exhausting and frustrating.
Hi Amy, if you would like to receive some guidance from an ESI faculty member, please email us at [email protected]. Thank you for posting on our website.
I have a foster child who is 6 and underweight. Their BMI was at 0% when they arrived. They take over an hour to eat a meal. I feel like I can’t use some techniques because if I give them 40 mins and take the plate away, they won’t get enough nutrition and gain weight. It’s making everybody in our house miserable. They chew food extremely slowly, on one side only (nothing wrong with their teeth no pain). Yesterday they refused to eat what we served them for dinner (pasta with meat sauce and mushrooms) and rather than have a power struggle I told them they could choose to not eat it but they wouldn’t eat anything else the rest of the evening (it was 5pm). They chose to go to bed hungry and this morning I fed them egg in a burrito and I thought they’d be starving and eat it a little faster but no dice. It’s just so frustrating.
Hi Jenny, this issue is complex. I would suggest seeking out an ESI faculty member for personalized coaching. You may contact them here: https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/resources-and-links-for-the-public/coaching/
Thank you for contacting Ellyn Satter Institute.
Hi,
I have a 5 year old who is extremely slow and progressively picky eater.
Mealtime is always family time and I try to make it joyful but deep inside I feel miserable and of course I show it on occasions.
My daughter has always been a picky eater but I was able to expand her food variety over a 2 yr period. For past 3-4 months she has been refusing everything she used to eat. Now we are stuck with very few items.
We eat a large variety of food but no matter what we eat she just sits at the table, takes 2 bites and starts to whine or stares at us. I never replace her food but there are times I modify her food because she doesn’t like her food mixed up and she has to know exactly what’s inside her food (including spices) and in our culture we have lots of complex foods she will never eat so I serve her, ingredients without spices separately.
If I ask her to try something she is not sure she refuses or puts in her mouth and gags it out.
When I tell her time is over and we have to clean the table she starts acting hysterically and cries to keep her plate. If I leave it, she will sit another hour just looking at her plate.
We try our best to follow DOR and there is always at least 3 hrs between meals. She doesn’t get any sweetened beverages.
Sometimes I can’t take it anymore. I leave the dinner table to go cry in anger and misery! And then come back trying to hold myself together.
I feel she is never hungry or can’t swallow but then if she sees something sweet she eats so fast I can’t believe her.
She hasn’t gained any weight for past 8 months.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so frustrated and worried!
Hi Rose, this issue is complex. I would suggest seeking out an ESI faculty member for personalized coaching. You may contact them here: https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/resources-and-links-for-the-public/coaching/
Thank you for contacting Ellyn Satter Institute.
Hello!
I have been reading the above comments and discovered some similar situations to mine. My 4 year old will sit for 1-2 hours at the table at most meals, sometimes he eats in 10 minutes something he likes and other times he takes 1 hour for the same dish. He takes a bite and swallows it but then he just takes 5-10-20 minutes dreaming off or talking. I have to remind him constantly to take a bite. I don’t allow distractions (but when he sits with my mom she reads to him, the end result is the same with and without distraction. It’s very frustrating because it’s getting in the way of doing anything, from going out to play to going to the kindergarden… Do you have any suggestions about what I could try to stop him from getting distracted with his own thoughts when he eats?
Hey!
I have 2 kids (one is 5 other is 7) and even with a timer or with you being on them to eat they take an hour to eat even a sandwich. my 5 year old with chew non stop and does not want to swallow her food. no distractions for both by the way. my 7 year old chews and chews as well and does not swallow his food. my kids have a thing where they think if they stuff their mouths with food they will finish. (not the case takes them longer) I do not snack time with them I have a rule that you do not get snack unless you deserve it. (behavior issues is at a all time high and sneaking candy is their specialty) their dad is the one that is with them most of the time and gives them undivided attention.(I work two jobs to provide) when they kids are with me they tend to be worst and last night took 2 1/2 hours just to eat. I give all three of my kids the same amount because I want them to gain weight but they either make themselves throw up or cry for the remainder of the time of them eating. I cannot take it anymore and me and their dad are very overwhelmed by this because it seems like they are not gaining any weight and look super underweight. we give them three meals a day and all three with are fighting with them to eat every single thing. I even gave them smaller meals. cereal I get mini stuff so its easier and they still took an hour to eat their food. this is becoming a true problem and at this point I don’t know what to do. I do not give choices in what to eat and we also have a rule finish everything in your plate because there are hungry children all over the world. I need advice!
Thank you for contacting ESI. I would suggest reading the Feeding with Love and Good Sense booklets as well as look into the coaching service that the Institute provides. Please feel free to contact us directly as [email protected]