The Feeding Relationship

The feeding relationship between parent and child is at the core of Ellyn Satter’s feeding research and lifelong work. It’s all about trust: The evidence shows that when parents provide a supportive, positive eating environment, children eat what and as much as they need and grow up to get the body that is right for them.

Most of today’s feeding advice is rooted in control. Control is trying to get your child to eat certain amounts of certain foods and grow within certain limits. You don’t have to do that.

Being controlling with feeding doesn’t work, and it spoils feeding. Trying to get a child to eat more or less makes them act like they don’t know how much to eat. Trying to get them to eat certain foods makes them act like they don’t want to learn to eat what you eat.

Follow the Satter Division of Responsibility in Feeding (sDOR), and understand where your child is coming from with eating.

All children are skeptical of new food, some more than others. When you follow sDOR, some children eat new food readily, others experiment gradually, and others are late bloomers—they take years to enjoy a variety of food.

Trying to make children learn faster slows them down. Persuading, encouraging, saying it’s good for them—none of it works. In fact, it slows them down. All you can do is follow sDOR and enjoy your own food—but don’t make a big deal of it. They will see right through you. 

Some children eat a lot; other children, not so much. Some days they eat a lot; other days not so much. When you follow sDOR, they eat as much as they need.

Trying to get a child to eat more or less makes them do the opposite. Trying to get them to eat less scares them and makes them eat more. Trying to get them to eat more turns them off and makes them eat less.

Some children love to eat; others are ho-hum about it. They all eat as much as they need when you follow sDOR.